Inheriting her ex's stupidity.
I am writing this article in the hopes that it might illuminate
a 'problem' I have encountered in the very beginning
of dating relationships: The problems that past boyfriends/husbands
heaped upon these poor women are being used against me.
Let me illustrate with two fine examples.
I was set up with a woman for a first date. It was not a 'blind'
date in the strictest sense since her and I had been in visual
contact before, but hadn't spoken much at all. And,
frankly, I never thought to ask her out because I was convinced
she was way out of my league. Our first date was, to say the
least, magnificent. Not because we ate at a fancy restaurant
(actually, we walked on the boardwalk and she decided she
wanted to eat at a local bar so she could watch the Flyers
playoff game. My dream girl incarnate!) nor was the evening
so memorable because we made love (actually, we ended the
night with a few soft but delightful kisses in her BMW before
she dropped me off at my truck...we drove separately and
met at the boardwalk). But the conversation was so easy
and she was so very interesting. And we simply hit it off,
in that magical way that only the invisible attractions
of the soul can arrange. We spoke every day for several days
after that, but suddenly she started drifting away. She
finally told me that she didn't want to get involved
because my divorce wasn't final and she had been with
a man previously who went back to his wife.
Mind you, she didn't ask me about my pending divorce.
If she had, she would have learned that my 'loving'
wife had lied to me about having reproductive organs (a
condition called vaginal agenesis) until a month AFTER
we were married. (Yes, that means I did not have sex with
her until AFTER we were married....5 months after, to be
precise, since she had to have corrective surgery and rehabilitate,
and even afterward the sex was horrifically clinical.)
She would have learned that my wife could not bear children.
And she would have learned that my wife's condition
is not why I left her...it was the lies. The constant lies.
The depth of her deception over me wounded me more than anything.
I'm sure my lovely date would have seen both that I was
never, ever going to return to my soon-to-be-ex-wife,
and that there was nothing to go back to. My marriage was
a sham, and would chose eternal solitude over being treated
as a tool again. If my date had only asked.
I went on a date with another perfectly lovely woman. I'm
not sure how I get lucky enough to date such magnificent
women, but I'd like to be lucky enough to date them AGAIN.
After about two hours of talking I started to realize that
her demeanor had changed. We began talking warmly. Her
body language was very inviting (we were leaning in toward
each other to be closer together, our legs were leaning
on each other) and she seemed genuinely interested. But
at some point she completely backed off and became distant.
I wondered if it was something that I had said. I didn't
remember making any offensive comments or rude insinuations.
I tend to be a polite and affable fellow. So I asked her if
I had done something wrong. And, as it turned out, I did.
I worked in the criminal justice system. You see, she had
dated a cop before and when she wanted to break the relationship
off, he turned psychotic. To the worst degree, no doubt.
So when she found out that I was in law enforcement as well
(I'm not even a cop!) she said that she didn't need
any more psychos. WHAT??!?!?!
The moral of the story is for both women and men. Women: please
be consious of your biases. It is perfectly understandable
that past experiences inform your present and future decisions.
I don't begrudge either of the above women for their
decisions, for they are based on their life story. I can
very clearly see why a woman burned by a separated man would
be nervous about getting involved with another one, like
me. I can see why a woman who was the victim of a police officer's
inability to let her go in a mature and acceptable manner
would be hesitant about dating in the law enforcement community
again. I understand. But, Ladies, please understand this:
the next guy IS NOT THE LAST ONE. We are all different. So
listen to your gut instincts. Pay attention to the warning
signs. But they are only warnings, not commandments. Investigate
the red light. Inquire into the warning signs. You may find
a jem sitting there in front of or beside you. Don't
forget, you deserve to be happy too. Just because he shares
some tertiary trate with a past boyfriend doesn't
mean he's your past's mirror image.
And men: be aware of her past. Be sensitive to it. But most
of all...treat women with respect. I'm tired of having
your garbage dumped in my lap.
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